Things NOT to Say to Friends with Chronic Illnesses
I was inspired to write this after a chat amongst fellow spoonies. I know most people who say these things to us mean well, but we’re all responsible for the impact of our words and actions regardless of the intent. Sure, you may not have known that some of these things rub us the wrong way—but now ya do! And now you can do something about it. ;)
As always, this comes from personal experience of just a few. Not everyone with chronic illnesses may feel this way, and/or there may be other things that hurt our feelings. If you’re someone with a chronic illness, let me know in the Instagram comments what additional phrases/responses bug the shit outta you.
“That’s so interesting!”
Pain, struggle, and oppression are not interesting. Books and movies are interesting. Describing our lived experience the way one would describe entertainment is alienating and feels invalidating. When we confide in someone about our experience, we’re seeking a supportive listening ear, but this response feels cold and condescending on the receiving end.
Try instead: “I didn’t know/think about that.”
“You look good!”
Many chronic illnesses are invisible illnesses. Telling us that we look “good” invalidates how we’re actually feeling. Sometimes, a comment about our appearance feels like an insinuation that our experience must not be that bad, or that we’re done being sick. Chronic illnesses persist regardless of how we look.
Try instead: “It’s great to see you!”
“Have you tried…”
Trust us, we’ve tried it all or have already considered it. Unsolicited feedback is inappropriate in any situation. For folx with chronic illnesses, part of navigating treatment is becoming very well versed about our illnesses. Asserting that we haven’t already considered what a well meaning—but uninformed—person might suggest can feel incredibly patronizing.
Try instead: “How can I help/support you?”
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Are you someone with chronic illness that’s looking for support from someone who gets it? Check out my sliding scale peer counseling service, or book a session (or free 10-minute consultation!) here.