“Legos, A Meditative Practice” w/ Doogie Pounder
The Healed AF podcast is an ongoing effort to gather healing stories for visibility and communal knowledge. The concept is to grow a living collection of experiences and strategies, like a grab bag of tools and hope, that will always be here to help anyone, any time they’re looking for it.
Here, you’ll find the transcript of this interview, followed by an easy access list of tools and recommendations mentioned in the episode. You can listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts.
This interview was recorded on April 14, 2021.
TRIGGER WARNING: Brief mention of suicide attempt.
Image description: A screenshot of a Zoom screen. Above is Corey, a middle-aged Black trans man wearing large wire rim glasses and a brown flat cap. He’s got nostril piercings, a septum piercing, and a large smile. Below is Bree, a middle-aged white non-binary person with a tiny lavender bun and a big open mouthed smile.
BREE: Yay! Welcome back to Healed as Fuck, the podcast. We are here to gather healing stories for visibility and also to share communal knowledge. And today I'm super stoked to be here with my very long time pal, Corey!
COREY: Hey!
BREE: And I just have to acknowledge that it's still weird to call you Corey. (Corey laughs) The people must know that we met in roller derby and we may call each other different names. (Both laugh) Who the fuck is Doogie and Sleaze? We are!
COREY: We’re about to find out. (Both laugh)
BREE: Um, so, to kick it off I always ask everyone to please introduce yourself.
COREY: Heyo! So, I'm Corey, also Doogie Pounder MD. That's me! (Corey laughs)
BREE: The end!
COREY: Short, sweet, to the point.
BREE: Okay. I mean, it's true, and I'm sure we're about to learn a whole bunch more about you. All right, first question. So, we know healing can encompass a whole fuck ton of different aspects of our life. If you can, touch on some realms of healing that you've moved through in the past
COREY: Oof. So, I have a lot, a lot, a lot of traumas from growing up, starting from being adopted and kind of having to go through abandonment issues. And then I'm also incredibly neurodivergent, and you know, trying to fit in in a world and in schools where you know students around you aren't, is incredibly difficult and really kind of made... that was kind of the beginning of me being othered and me being an “other” kind of person, aside from being Black and just kind of always being different in terms of my personality and the person that I am. So, I mean, you... you… Ha, “I” actually. So, I've got dyslexia, I've got ADHD, I've got anxiety, I've got bipolar depression. I think that's most of them. So, just kind of having to work through all of those issues and not really having language, not having the power to articulate to people what my needs are. Yeah.
BREE: All right, here's our first follow-up, uh, off book question. I just.. I know for me, like, I'm already resonating with, like, how you don't have the language for a while to even, like, know what's going on or know what you need. I felt similarly. I didn't get the quote-unquote proper diagnosis of my bipolar I (one) until I was, like, 25, almost 26. And, you know, while there are so many ways we can deal with our mental health, for me personally, getting that diagnosis and also getting finally on the, like, quote-unquote proper meds, like, really changed fucking everything for me. And it gave me that language to finally understand what the functioning is of that and what my needs are. Could you talk a little bit more about that kind of, um, what that journey looked like for you?
COREY: Yeah, for sure. So, my mom is actually a child psychologist, so she really at a very early age kind of, like, started seeing signs that there was different things about me. So, I started therapy when I was six and I had the same therapist from six to about 19, and it was an amazing experience, especially to have this same therapist. But I also didn't really… I think I, at that time, especially lived in a lot of fear of myself, um, and not being normal, and was fighting so hard to be normal, be regular, that I wasn't always open with my therapist. So, I actually spent a lot of time, even in therapy, struggling and, you know, I struggled a lot with severe depression, and I spent about 10 years trying to kill myself from, like, age 10 to about 20. And there wasn't a single person that knew because I didn't tell anybody. I was so ashamed and it was like I didn't have anybody in the world that I could let in on that level without feeling like I was going to disappoint them and that disappointment was, you know, you just keep layering levels of embarrassment, shame, you know, regret, dislike, disapproval for yourself and so, you know, much like you said, medications. So, I was doing therapy, I was medicated pretty early and I didn't like it. I had a horrible experience being medicated as a kid where, for me, I felt like they did things, my antidepressants made me feel, but it made me feel like I was myself, like, a person, and my core, my being was sitting on my own shoulder kind of watching the shell of a person walk through life and, you know, the medications that... those medications were supposed to make me feel better would keep me up at night. So, I have to be put on medications to put me to sleep to counter the medications that, you know. And so, it was always one medication for this and another medication for this and all of it just doesn't make me feel good. And so, I think it was probably when I was able to have a say for myself over my medical practices at about 18, I decided not to be medicated. And it was very difficult, but I had to learn skills that would allow me to get through life, and this is all without me having a proper understanding of my diagnosis, other than dyslexia and ADHD and depression, so, you know, I found things, I found groups, I found, you know, things that made me happy. I found softball, I found choir, I found roller derby. I found just amazing people and communities that had like-minded people that I slowly began to learn to lean on.
And, you know, then the pandemic happened and it was like all the work I did, it briefly felt like it was undone. I got incredibly shook and, you know, as someone who kind of... I live in this kind of bubble of my own because I'm by myself and, you know, I thought that I was prepared for a world of isolation since I was already pretty much isolated, but you kind of realize it's a different kind of isolation. So, I had to do something I said I never wanted to do again, which is get back on medications. And it was a difficult journey, it was a journey of me having to find the right psychiatrist for me, and that was a big deal because my last one was not good. He was medicating for issues or things that he heard that I was saying that weren't issues, and I was heavily over medicated to a point where it actually was starting to scare me and I wasn't being listened to. So, I had to kind of open up that trauma and that wound, but I found a psychiatrist who was absolutely amazing and heard all of my concerns about going back on medications after not being medicated for, you know, almost 18 years. So, finding that right balance and, you know, really trusting the process and being willing to experiment outside of your comfort zone. And for me what that looked like was, you know, trying medications again to find that balance. It was a game changer for me to kind of really help me refocus and re-prioritize life and kind of re-center myself.
BREE: Um, fuck, I had a follow-up about that and now it's gone, which just means I guess we're moving on to the next...
COREY: It'll come back. (Bree laughs)
BREE: Yeah, it'll come back if it's supposed to. The way I always do this kind of shit, because I am, like, over-thinker supreme, you know.
COREY: Ugh, yes.
BREE: Like, you know what, I'm just going to trust that whatever is said is what needs to be said and heard. I'ma just trust the process. I'm not always in control.
COREY: And it can't be.
BREE: (heavy sigh then laughter)
COREY: One of the greatest things that I recently learned in derby, uh, thank you so much for teaching this, was, you know, you can't control being hit and falling down, you can control what happens before, you can control what happens after, but you can control your recovery. Recovery right there is beautiful.
BREEL Mmm, that's a good one. It really is, um... That's definitely gonna be one of those graphic quotes I make. (both laugh)
COREY: There it is!
BREE: I know you touched a little bit on, like, how the pandemic has impacted your, like, mental health recovery, but i'm just wondering, um, it can be more about that or otherwise, like, where is your focus currently in your own personal healing?
COREY: Currently my focus is forgiveness and forgiveness of myself and reshaping how I view my injuries and my traumas. I had an amazing therapy session a couple of days ago and we were talking about roller derby, and my therapist was asking about injuries. And I was telling him about, like, some of... He’d asked me specifically if there was an injury or injuries that I'd had that, like, are lasting. So, I was talking about being hit in the chest and basically having my chest popped out twice, and how it still to this day gives me trouble. And we were talking about, you know, how I understand the difference between being injured and being hurt. I come from an incredibly competitive sports background since I was five and, you know, I was the captain of most of the teams I was on and you have to learn to play through being hurt. It took me a very long time to learn to stop when I'm injured and to let the injury heal and to learn the difference between being hurt and being injured. And kind of having to acknowledge that I'm incredibly, incredibly injured in life, and I need to allow that same healing that I would for an injury on the roller derby track that I've had in life. And I need to let all of them heal properly and that takes time. And sometimes that means reopening those wounds, sometimes, you know, the ones that have been closed for 20 plus years have to be reopened so that they can properly heal. So, accepting that, being okay with days that, you know, I feel like I'm backtracking, and accepting that in this moment, that's my very best and I could never ask for any more than that. But mostly just learning to give the same level of care and compassion that I give to others, to myself.
BREE: Yes, that is so necessary. It's, like, a constant reminder I need, especially as people who, like, give so much. It's, like, if you give it all away, what's left, man? (both laugh)
Um, I love that you're bringing up this injury thing because that's actually something that's been on my heart for like... Like, very heavily for almost a year now. My last big roller derby injury happened in 2015. It is not a coincidence that, like, my mental health stuff and my addiction stuff and everything kind of ended up rolling all together around that time. But I still have lasting issues with that specific injury and I had a flare up last summer that put me back in physical therapy. And when that happened I realized this really might be forever. Like, taking care of this really might be forever, it's an everyday thing I have to do. And really what... What it really brought to the forefront for me was two things that I'm gonna ask for maybe your feedback or experience around. One was resentment. Huge resentment around, honestly, roller derby and the way, at least, I was playing at the time that I would not play that way again probably. I think I played a bit too aggressive, because honestly what hurt me was somebody came in for a hit and I hit them back, but it was a shoulder thing. And we know our shoulders are not where our strength is. There was a pop immediately. So, not only did my shoulder tear, but I also dislocated a rib.
COREY: Oh shit.
BREE: So, I had resentment kind of just around the way I played roller derby and just roller derby in general. And then I was faced with the realization that I was carrying around a lot of internalized ableism and acknowledging that I wasn't allowing myself the, like, care and accommodations that I actually likely need. So, like, the last time I got super hurt, I ended up in bed for, like, a week. And then I couldn't move without a cane and, like, I didn't realize how much shame I had around, like… Like, the first time I went out in public with a cane, like, was difficult. And that's when I realized, like, oh shit, this is some shit that's beyond my body, really. This is some fuckin’ internalized ableism. So, now I'm proud to say that I love my cane. I'm actually shopping for a black one.
COREY: Yes! Throw, like, some blood splatter everywhere.
BREE: I want to put spikes on it. Because I figured it'll double as, like, a great, like, ass hole beating stick. (laughs)
COREY: Yes, yes, yes!
BREE: Anyway, so I'm just wondering if you have anything to say about dealing with the resentment and also dealing with internalized ableism.
COREY: I don't think I have resentment. If I did it would be resentment to myself and I don't have that. I don't know. I am definitely not the same skater that I was. Aside from being older, I also have a different mindset and I, too, you know, the level of aggression has definitely shifted. I don't know, they were also really good hits too.
BREE: (laughs) I know! Like, I still remember the skater who quote unquote hurt me flying through the air. It was like, yes, that felt great too, but I second that a lot of the resentment really was about me. And, like, I remember crying to my partner being, like, one of the hardest parts about this is knowing, like, I had a part in it. It is my fault, like, maybe not a hundred percent, but I had a huge role in the way I was using my body.
COREY: Definitely.
BREE: What about ableism? Have you dealt with any of that?
COREY: I don't think so around specifically, like, this injury, no. Around other injuries, absolutely. It's difficult, like, I've spent most of my life just trying to feel normal and feel like what everybody else presents and, you know, hey, that's never gonna be me. And I think that's something that I've had to really, this past year, sit and unpack and be okay with. That the world that I live in, the world that exists and the social norms that exist within that world aren't me. I'm a round peg in a square box and no matter how many times I try to whack to get in, I'm never going to. But what I can do is be a part of that. I can be part of that awesome box. So, you know, my my big thing right now is finding things and people that fit within that, that understand that I'm never going to be this [square] thing. That this is just who I am and this is me every day. This is me showing up and sometimes me showing up is me not showing up. And, you know, that looks like me not responding to text messages or emails or voicemails. I have, I think there's at least 300 voicemails on my phone. There are 20,000 plus emails just on one account. There are, I think, 300 text messages. Like, this is what my anxiety every single day looks like. And in a world that's so reliant on technology, like, that was, I think, one of the biggest things about the pandemic that being isolated wasn't the worst part. It was being isolated and having to rely on technology to not be isolated. And technology, for me, is so incredibly unhealthy for a multitude of reasons. Because of the ADHD, I'll go on and look for something and it's like, oh, I'm looking for this one thing and, you know, people joke and they say, oh yeah, I've lost, like, 15 minutes, but, like, I've lost hours and I didn't find that one thing that I was gonna do and I can't remember what it was. You also put that with having severe dyslexia. The amount of reading that I have to do...it is so hard to explain to people that I want to get back to you, but I have to read all of these apps just to communicate with anybody and I can't even... I barely have time to do the reading that I want to do. And so, it's, like, this world isn't meant for me, but I'm still trying to figure out how I can fit into that. Uh, I have forgotten what the question was. (laughs)
BREE: I don't think it matters because everything you're saying, I'm just, like, eating the fuck up. (Corey laughs) I just love when this shit happens. Like, that's why I kind of love the, like, space that these questions provide because it takes us where we need to be taken. And, like, if no one else gets anything from this, I am getting from it.
COREY: Oh my god, so am I!
BREE: I, too, like, social media specifically is very difficult for me. I could take the whole hour just to talk about why social media is difficult to me. It's very complex and, yeah, going through pandemic and, like, the way I prefer to socialize is in person.
COREY: Yes!
BREE: And all of the in-person stuff, just socializing and events and everything I was kind of up to were taken away. And it's, like, made me feel like... I'm, like, I have FOMO! (Corey laughs)
BREE: Like, I miss it. Everybody's keeping up online and I just, like, just the anxiety in and of itself, of being on and scrolling and not knowing what I'm missing and then, you know, whatever. Like, I'm just, like, I don't even know if I have a follow-up question about this, I'm just, like, very happy to hear someone else in my age group being, like,
fuck technology. (laughs)
COREY: My partner, like, legit, my partner is my technology adult. (Bree laughs) I go to do stuff and I'm like, babe, here, I can't. And it's not for lack of trying, it's I can't keep up.
BREE: Yeah.
COREY: I feel like every time I've caught up on something, there's a new app, there's a new this, there's a new platform, and it's just, like, I can’t. I'm already on a daily basis living kind of in this hole that I'm trying to kind of get out of, and every now and then I can kind of get to, like, ground level. And you add technology to it and it's, like, it's a whole ‘nother hole for me to have to kind of have to work through on top of the hole that I'm already in.
BREE: Mhm.
COREY: And so, you know, you kind of really touch on something that, oh my god, that really shook me, is the FOMO. Of, you know, if you aren't there seeing it then you're missing it, but if you're doing it then you're also kind of missing something too. And not being able to, like… it just feels like you can't win.
BREE: Yeah.
COREY: And at least that's how I feel is, like, I get incredibly drained. There's days that I have the energy to kind of go on social media and the next day or the next weeks, next months, I'm, like, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. And it becomes kind of like this… almost like a groundhog, like, kind of popping up and like, oh, nope, I'm back down. And that is exhausting too. And, you know, then the shame kind of comes along with that of, you know, I want to be in people's life, I want people in my life, this isn't how I can do it but this is the only way that we can. And I feel like I'm letting them down and haven't worked through that shame. And then, you know, that's just adding more and bearing myself in my own hole. So, it's difficult, much like life is.
BREE: Yeah. I just really appreciate even having this conversation of just, like, normalizing not being on social media all the fucking time. Like, the fact that it seems to be, like, required to participate in life is lame. Especially like when we think about, like, who makes these things and how they're, like, total capitalist tools and, like, they create it to keep us on, and if it's free you know they own your information and blah, blah, blah. (Corey laughs) All that fuckin’ shit, like, social media is the fuckin’ man, man. (laughs) And so, like, you know what, like, why do I have to, like… I know I've mentioned [this to] you before, how I've been trying to, like, really reevaluate, like, what I participate in and how I do, and social media use is definitely one of those.
Okay, so, you've touched on like, therapy and kind of, like, the I guess quote-unquote traditional, like, realms of at least mental health stuff. But I'm wondering if there are other, like, specific strategies or resources that have helped you in the past or currently.
COREY: Um, yeah. I found especially when I was not medicated, that for me personally, I need a triad. In order to be perfectly balanced, my tripod consists of music, art, and sports. When I have those three things in my life, I'm really, incredibly grounded. So, finding things to kind of plug into those holes, um... So, I kind of mentioned before I did softball for a while. You know, I found an amazing community where it was like we were a softball team that had a social problem where we just loved being together, drinking and hanging out, like, and we just happened to occasionally win a softball game every now and then. And then, you know, fortunately/unfortunately it ruined my life, I found roller derby. And, you know, growing up doing sports, I thought I understood sports, I thought I understood sports communities, and I've not found a sport that matches roller derby. And, you know, when I briefly lost that, trying to find something to fill that void was difficult. And it was one of those things that was kind of like one of those earth-shattering moments of, like, all right, well I did softball, let's go back to that. I went back to it, it was like I had this massive cavern that roller derby, like, had, and I'm now throwing, like, pebbles into this cavern trying to fill it up. And it was like, okay, well that's not working, let's try this, let's try this. And it was, like, nothing really gave that same feel. And then, you know, I'm back in roller derby and it's full again.
You know, I found an amazing choir that allows me to be around a bunch of people who are not just musically inclined, but they're so culturally diverse. I mean, we have people in their 80s, we've got people who are 18, we've got people from all walks of life that get together in a room once a week, or before the pandemic at least, to make music together, and it is absolutely phenomenal.
And then art, you know, I'm constantly keeping my hands moving with some craft or something or another. But currently the thing that's kind of really, and I'm so beyond happy to have this and I'm really happy to continue this as a practice, is Legos.
BREE: Aww.
COREY: I loved legos as a kid. And, you know, I found a set recently that I kind of was like, oh, that's really, really cool. I got it and I sat there and I put it together and, you know, for as many crafts as I do, as many things as I make, it's all... There's something about me having to sit there and come up with a concept, each stroke I'm doing, each whatever is something that I'm thinking about. With Legos, I'm not thinking about it. I'm thinking about what piece I'm gonna grab and I'm placing that piece where it's supposed to go, and I'm building this giant thing that I then get to look at, and it makes me excited but, like, there's something about taking yourself out of a moment for a good amount of time, almost like a meditative practice, where I can put on music, I can put on a TV show, I can put on a podcast, I can just zone out and just do something over and over again, and I can have whatever thoughts I need. It's, I don't know, there's just something really, really rewarding about that, you know. And there's something also to be said about being able to build it, and take it apart, and rebuild it, take it apart, and build something else. That's just fun and nostalgic and it feels like a hug, feels like a hug for my inner child.
BREE: (laughs) Aw, I love that. Um, what's the last Lego thing you made?
COREY: Um… Made and completed?
BREE: Sure.
COREY: So, I'm working on the... what is it… Creator Expert Modular Series. It's about 10 years old now. No, it's older than 10 years, sorry Lego. It's been around for a minute. But it's basically modular, like, a modular town. And they are decent sized buildings, and they take a good amount of time to do. But I've actually decided that that's going to be my next major, major project, is I'm going to start building my own town, my own layout platform. And have a whole set up in my garage and just kind of zone out doing this. But I've got some dinosaurs behind me. I've got a dope ship in the bottle.
BREE: Those dinosaurs are legos?
COREY: Yeah!
BREE: Oh my gosh! I thought they were just, like, little bony bones.
COREY: They are bony bones.
BREE: But they're Lego bony bones. (Corey reaches for a dinosaur) Oh, fun! Wow, Legos are, like, way more than just little blocks. Holy shit!
COREY: Like, Legos are legit. (Grabs the Lego ship in a bottle)
BREE: Holy shit, dude. That is so fun.
COREY: Yeah. So, you know, just stuff, like, that kind of keeps me busy, keeps my mind occupied, keeps me sane, keeps me healthy, happy. Yeah, but really just having that triad... I think the biggest part of the pandemic that's made it difficult is I've also realized I'm not a band-aid kind of person. So, you know, you kind of mentioned it earlier, the pandemic has taken our resources away, it's taken away the things… our coping mechanisms. So, you know, I hear all these people and I hear my friends talking about, like, they're thriving, they're doing all these great things, and it feels like I'm, in my own way, thriving in terms of my mental health and, like, working on myself, but it's difficult because I'm not finding those... I'm not finding my band-aids to be good. They're not sticking, they're not what I need, and they're doing the opposite of what they should be. So, where everyone else is like, “let me go on Zoom and, like, see my friends,” for me going on Zoom is exhausting. Like, it's the complete opposite. I love seeing people, but I don't have that same sense of joy. It's almost like I have… it's almost like, because there's a screen it's not real.
BREE: Mhm.
COREY: It's... there's the real reality that I'm used to living in, and screen world isn't the world that I'm used to living in. This whole tech world and all of these… it's like a Black Mirror episode. Like, I feel like I'm still living in a time where, like, I'm totally happy getting handwritten letters in the mail.
BREE: Yes!
COREY: Like, I just sent myself 10 emails through my own whatever device and it's like, wait, what? That's a thing? You can do that?
BREE: (laughs) I totally agree. I feel like, between having to do either gatherings virtually or the very few things that I've gone to socially distanced and masked and shit, it always leaves me with this just, like, bummer feeling of like, it's still not the way it usually... Like, it's not the way I want it to be. Like, it's still, like… it's not like just being able to hug your friend and sit there all close and, like, shoot the shit. Like, it has to be certain ways and, um, I don't know. I guess me personally, I've been having to... I got used to Zoom after a few months because of just what I do in my day-to-day, but it still is not the same. It's just not the same. And so, it always just, like, bums me out a little bit.
COREY: Yeah.
BREE: (heavy sigh) We're so close to, I feel like, being on the other side, though. I can't fucking wait to hug everybody, because I give good fucking hugs too.
COREY: (laughs) Yes!
BREE: All right, I will own it. And I’m all fucking... uh, what's the word i'm looking for? They're all pent up and ready to begin.
COREY: Oh yeah, literally like a hug factory right now. It's like, you get a hug, you get a hug, you get a hug.
BREE: Just, like, a factory line. (Mimicks giving a bunch of hugs in a row.)
COREY: (laughs) Hopefully I can get in that line multiple times.
BREE: Hell fuckin yeah, dude.
Um, all right. So, every interview includes a question from the previous guest.
COREY: Yes.
BREE: So, your question from our last guest, who was Madonna, is: If you were a restaurant, what restaurant would you be and why?
COREY: (laughs) Okay. Does it have to be a specific restaurant or can it be, like, a style of restaurant?
BREE: Um, I feel like they would say specific...
COREY: Ugh, Madonna!
BREE: But i'm gonna let it slide and I'm gonna say your answer is your truth, Doogs. (laughs)
COREY: All right, all right. Specifically, uh, I'd probably be some dope, like, hipster pizza joint. (Bree laughs) Like, straight up, craft beers, some really dope whiskies. Like, the best pizza ever with some wild toppings. Like, I'm talking some stuff you're like, that doesn't go together but oh my god, yes, make my mouth happy. But if I can, sorry Madonna, go a little broader, I'd say probably something similar to, like, a Blaze, where it's… you kind of come in and you get what you want, you get what you need, and it's yours and you get to share that with somebody else, and they get to taste what your palate likes, and you get to taste what their palette likes, whether you like it or not. Like, you get to experiment with your own stuff.
BREE: Yeah, I love those kinds of pizza places. Um, so, what what is your, like, weird pizza topping combination?
COREY: (laughs) Okay, okay. Here's the thing. As somebody who's worked in a place like these, you know, I'd bring in my own stuff. And so, I've done some stuff. Um, I have done an amazing pizza... I worked at a place that had an Asian inspired pizza. Great, great flavors. We're talking, like, some really great, like, Thai spice flavors, some chickens. I'd throw on some carrots, some cilantro. And one time I was like, all right, let's really give this a try, and I got some chow mein.
BREE: On your pizza?! (laughs)
COREY: Oh yeah. Oh my god. I've got pictures of that beauty. Oh my god. I popped that thing in the oven, I popped that thing out of the oven. Perfect crispy bottom, oh my god. The pizza’s fire. Here's the thing. And this is not popular at all, but I'm going to say, if you're a person who likes pineapple on a pizza… Even if you're not a person who likes pineapple on a pizza, just give it a try: mandarin orange.
BREE: Ooooh!
COREY: Mandarin orange on a pizza, especially if it's got some good Asian flavors to it, ooooh!
BREE: I'm interested. I was, like, I was waiting to see if you talked shit about pineapple on pizza. (Corey laughs) Like, yes, team pineapple. We are yes team pineapple. I never would have thought of that. Does the texture get weird? Like, because they have skin and stuff?
COREY: No, it doesn't get weird at all. That's the thing. So, like, it doesn't get weird, um, there's also something really nice about the warm mandarin. Like, it's nice because it's so juicy. It's like a nice, warm juicy that adds to your pizza sauce. Like, it adds more flavor and layer that's just like, ooooh. It's, like... it's similar to, like, kind of how a tomato adds flavor.
BREE: Mhm. I'm actually considering having a pizza party for my birthday and now I'm like, where the mandarin orange is at?
COREY: I didn't hear you say you're considering, I heard you say you're having a pizza party for your birthday, was that correct?
BREE: Yeah. So, I'm considering having it, probably will. (Doogie holds up a pair of socks with a pepperoni pizza print) Oh my god!
COREY: Pizza life!
BREE: Oh my god, you're committed. It is a lifestyle.
COREY: Pizza life! I'm also clearly doing laundry. (Both laugh)
BREE: Um, all right. So, now what would you like to ask the next guest?
COREY: All right. Uh, next super amazing, super rad guest. Money is no object, you can do absolutely anything you want. What does your perfect day look like?
BREE: Aww, now I'm already thinking about my own answer. (laughs)
COREY: WellI, I'm just going to tell you you have to answer yourself.
BREE: Um... No, I was going to say you have to answer yourself! (Both laugh)
COREY: Fair. Who's going first?
BREE: You.
COREY: I had a feeling. (Bree laughs) Uh, my perfect day… All right. I think I would go to Disneyland, and probably on Dapper Day, and do some great people watching. I would definitely spend some time in the Lego store. Ah, man, what else would I... oh god, I'd have so much good food. Like, if I could I'd buy a second stomach with that money so that I could have more of that good food in that day. Um, I know I'd be around some just really great people and… I’d want to see a musical.
BREE: What musical, or… I know that's probably a big question, but whether it's playing or not...
COREY: I want to see Lin-Manuel Miranda's next greatest hit.
BREE: Oooh, a future answer. Um, one more follow-up. What are you wearing to Dapper Day?
COREY: Oh gosh, um… Oooh, all right. We're going tux this time. Maroon tux with a satin black lapel of, like, dope ass Disney pins for my lapel pins. Maroon fedora with great accent pieces of feathers and more Disney pins that compliment down here. We're going classic black shoes but, like, sparkle. Oh, forgot to mention one of the most importants… matching maroon glitter beard. (Bree laughs)
BREE: Fuck yes. Can't go wrong with a glitter beard.
COREY: Oh my god, never. Yeah, I think that's the outfit for the day. I don't know what color shirt. I think... I hate white shirts so much. It's like, please get all that Disney grease on me.
BREE: Exactly.
COREY: Um, we're gonna go gray. Like, a medium gray.
BREE: Okay. One more follow-up. What's your favorite Disney ride?
COREY: Favorite Disney ride...
BREE: You could pick one from each park if you really have to.
COREY: All right, favorite Disney ride… Tower of Terror.
BREE: R.I.P.
COREY: We don't talk about it.
BREE: (laughs) Yeah.
COREY: Guardians is cool but, man, at least what...
BREE: I refused to go on it the last time I went and it was Guardians. I was like, no.
COREY: No, now you have to because it's after COVID, you gotta go. (Bree laughs) It's not Tower but it's still cute.
BREE: Yeah.
COREY: They repurposed it in the best ways that they could. Um, and I love, uh, what is it, Ariel's Grotto? No, it's not... whatever her ride is.
BREE: The, like, The Little Mermaid one that, like, came out however many years ago and it still sounds new to me, but it was, like, almost 10 years ago.
COREY: Yeah!
BREE: Um, what about from the main park because those are California Adventure?
COREY: (laughs) Guilty. Um, all right, main park. Haunted Mansion.
BREE: Duh.
COREY: And... it has to be, like, the right time. Big Thunder Mountain, at night when the fireworks are going off.
BREE: Oh, fun! I've never thought to do that because I'm always watching the fireworks, that's a good idea.
COREY: First, I mean, you've already seen them, they don't change. (Bree laughs) They're amazing, thank you Disney. Here's the thing—everyone else is watching the fireworks, nobody else is going Big Thunder. The best way to view it is like, (mimics sounds like screaming on a ride but the scream goes in and out as if circling in and out of the “caves” through Big Thunder). I swear.
BREE: That's so funny. Um, that's given me time to think about my, like, regardless of money day, and all I'm thinking about is, like, things I've been dying to do throughout pandemic. So, I would get tattooed for fucking sure.
COREY: Yes!
BREE: I have been really itching to get a memorial tattoo for my cat, and I'm like pretty sure what I want, so that would probably be… I'd probably have a bomb ass breakfast first. Oh, maybe I'd go to, like, my favorite diner for breakfast, Coral Cafe in Burbank is my favorite.
COREY: Woot woot, haunted as fuck!
BREE: (loudly) Is it?!
COREY: No, no, no...
BREE: No, I want it to be haunted, I love that!
COREY: Fuck yes, oh my gosh. Yes, oh yeah.
BREE: Oh, fuck yeah. I'ma have to get spooky there sometime.
COREY: Yep.
BREE: Yeah, maybe go to Coral, get tattooed. I probably need a nap after getting tattooed because that takes a lot out of me, but I'm trying to think of, like, some, like, fun weird place to take a nap. I don't know... In the woods? I don't know, I don't really need money to do that. No, I probably want a nap in my own bed. But then, like, another thing I thought about was, like, I want to have, like, maybe a bonfire or something, and buy, like, a fuck ton of s'mores and just, like, invite all the best people over to have, like, a fun bonfire slash, like, maybe, like, an impromptu little show. Like, whoever has instruments, bring them.
COREY: Yes!
BREE: Just, like... Again, I guess it doesn't even cost that much money. I don't care, I just, like, want to see people and I want to make fire and s'mores. (laughs)
COREY: Just throw some drag in there and you’ve got the best day.
BREE: Oh my god, we could totally, like… sometimes we watch movies outside because we have a projector. We could, like, project a virtual drag show or something at the same time.
COREY: Ugh!
BREE: Yeah. Yeah. That's a pretty good day.
COREY: It's a really good day.
BREE: That's a lot of stimulation for someone like me...
COREY: Oh yeah, crash right after.
BREE: Yeah, I would be asleep for days afterwards, but I think it would be really worth it. Maybe I'd even have, like, people fluctuate in and out so it's not, like, a million people at once, you know.
COREY: Stagger it.
BREE: Chill it out a bit. Yeah, um, maybe I do... now this is assuming there's more than 24 hours in a day. I also, like, just fuckin’ love animals, so I would probably want to go… (gasps) Oh, this is what I want to do. (Corey laughs) Okay, in Sylmar there's, like, this wildlife sanctuary where they, like, saved animals that were, like, hurt or whatever and they can't be re-released, so they live there and you can pay to meet some of them.
COREY: Aw!
BREE: I would absolutely pay to meet every animal I can meet. And the one that's, like, the most famous one there is... there's a sloth. There's two sloths actually. Um, I would meet all the animals for fuckin’ sure. That's what I would want to do. And then whatever money I have left I'll just give it to them because they probably need it. (both laugh)
COREY: All the money in the world just got left to them.
BREE: Yeah. That one's cute. Actually, Betty White apparently, like, gives them a lot of money, so, like, her name is, like, kind of up in there. Um, that was one of the last things I think we did um before pandemie. Um, or maybe it wasn't. I don't... Time is, like, a joke anymore.
COREY: Time, who's she? (Bree laughs) I think she's running late.
BREE: Um, she's late as fuck. (Both laugh) All right, that was the last question. We have a couple minutes. Is there anything just, like, on your heart that you want to say or talk about before we wrap it up?
COREY: Uh, is it too late to introduce myself? (Bree laughs)
BREE: No, if you want to say more go for it.
COREY: (laughing) Hi, I'm Corey aka Doogie. I've been talking to you for the past, I don't know how long because we don't know who time is anymore. Uh, I am your resident neurodivergent trans, uh, just regular dude.
BREE: Yeah. I would replace regular with, um…
COREY: Extraordinary. (laughs)
BREE: Amazing, yeah. (Doogie laughs) Rad! Fantastic! My favorite! (both laugh) Yay! Um, all right. Well, I know we talked mad shit on social media, but... (Corey laughs) All these things always gotta end on—is there anything you'd like to promote or anything you'd want, like, people to look up or find you or anything?
COREY: Find me?
BREE: Or anything else you want them to find, I suppose.
COREY: Oh gosh, I think, uh, you know, I just want everyone to find themselves. (both laugh) Is that too corny to end on?
BREE: Oh, that's deep. No, I think that's great.
COREY: That was your soundbite.
BREE: The last quote graphic
COREY: Find your fucking self. (both laugh)
BREE: Aw, I love it. And I love you. I'm so glad that we got to do this and, um, I can't wait to see you outside of this little screen.
COREY: Ugh, yes! (mimics hugging)
BREE: Yeah, I'm gonna have to come pet your dog and shit.
COREY: Yes!
BREE: That's a must. All right, well… Oh, I guess I should say, if you're listening and you don't even know how you got here, Healed as Fuck is much more than a podcast. It's a whole slew of things where I help people. So, if you're looking for emotional support, spiritual support, fun stuff, free resources… There will actually be events coming up in the near to distant future. Go to healedaf.org or find us on IG only. Oh, no, I have a TikTok now. (makes gagging sound) (Corey laughs) IG and TikTok @healedaf. Um, the TikTok's pretty fun. There's, like, some guided breath work for…. one is guided breathing for bad asses and the other one is guided breathing for relieving the bullshit. Um, and then I also teach you how to read tarot with Uno cards on one of them, so that's fun. Um, but really, go to my site and give me money because TikTok don't. All right, I guess that's it, let's say bye, at least in the recording. Bye!
COREY: Byeeeee! (Both laugh)
HAF Pod Grab Bag of Tools
Listed in order of appearance in episode.
Therapy is dope!
Make your own medical decisions as soon as you’re legally able (turning 18).
It’s okay to try medication even after deciding not to take it for many years.
When seeking medication, find a psychiatrist that’s the right fit for you. Never feel obligated to remain with a psychiatrist who doesn’t listen to you, if you feel overmedicated, or for any reason, really.
Seek out social activity groups & communities. Corey found softball, choir, and roller derby
Treat emotional injuries just as seriously as physical injuries, and allow them the proper amount of time to heal too.
On the days where it feels like you’re backtracking, work towards accepting that in this moment, that's your very best and you could never ask for any more than that.
Learning to give the same level of care and compassion that you give to others, to yourself.
It’s okay if we don’t fit in with the world around us. We can still participate to the best of our ability and surround ourselves with others who understand us. Corey explains, “I'm a round peg in a square box and no matter how many times I try to whack to get in, I'm never going to. But what I can do is be a part of that. I can be part of that awesome box. So, you know, my my big thing right now is finding things and people that fit within that, that understand that I'm never going to be this [square] thing. That this is just who I am and this is me every day.”
Re-evaluate your relationship to technology. If it doesn’t work for you, it’s okay to not participate in the same way that it seems most other people do.
If social media and technology is overwhelming or difficult for you, try having a “technology adult” as Corey says about his partner, who helps him with that sort of stuff.
Find a triad of self-care tactic. For Corey, it consists of music, art, and sports. He says, “When I have those three things in my life, I'm really, incredibly grounded.”
Play with Legos! They can truly become a meditative experience, as well as a way to care for your inner child. Corey explains, “[With other crafts,] there's something about me having to sit there and come up with a concept, each stroke I'm doing, each whatever, is something that I'm thinking about. With Legos, I'm not thinking about it. I'm thinking about what piece I'm gonna grab and I'm placing that piece where it's supposed to go, and I'm building this giant thing that I then get to look at, and it makes me excited but, like, there's something about taking yourself out of a moment for a good amount of time, almost like a meditative practice, where I can put on music, I can put on a TV show, I can put on a podcast, I can just zone out and just do something over and over again, and I can have whatever thoughts I need. It's, I don't know, there's just something really, really rewarding about that, you know. And there's something also to be said about being able to build it, and take it apart, and rebuild it, take it apart, and build something else. That's just fun and nostalgic and it feels like a hug, feels like a hug for my inner child.”