“It’s Just, Like, Death” w/ D.D. Zero
The Healed AF podcast is an ongoing effort to gather healing stories for visibility and communal knowledge. The concept is to grow a living collection of experiences and strategies, like a grab bag of tools and hope, that will always be here to help anyone, any time they’re looking for it.
Here, you’ll find the transcript of this interview, followed by an easy access list of tools and recommendations mentioned in the episode. You can listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts.
This interview was recorded on May 21, 2021.
Image description: Bree and Daniel sit next to each other. On the left, Bree is a fat white person with very short teal hair, seen laughing here. They’re wearing a leopard tank top and have a colorful chest tattoo. On the right, Daniel is a fat Chicanx person with half short, half mid-length hair that is black and light pink. They’re wearing round glasses, a Dracula t-shirt, and smiling with teeth.
BREE: Yay! Welcome to Healed as Fuck, the podcast. I’m Bree and, um, just a heads up that we’re not sorry if there is outside noises you hear, because we have windows opens ‘cause it’s nice out, and it’s either that or a fan sound so, fuck it!
Today I'm here with a person in real life because they're my living and life partner, Daniel!
DANIEL: I’m here! Thank you for having me on your podcast. Finally! I mean, I've been waiting for so long.
BREE: Fuck off. You know you're on the list.
Okay, we're gonna jump right in. It's funny, I thought I was gonna look at you more but I'm just looking at myself in the camera. (Both laugh) Okay, let's jump in in my cute room. Please introduce yourself!
DANIEL: Okay, my name is Daniel aka D.D. Zero. I am Bree's partner, hello. I am also a Lincoln Heights local. A punk rock ADHD fat clown boy. Um, and yeah, that's pretty much it. Born and raised in Los Angeles, California. And yeah, now here we are.
BREE: All right. So, you know this is… Oh! I forgot to say what this whole podcast is about. Do I want to start over? No, fuck it, we're just going to go with it. If you don't already know, this podcast, the purpose of it is to share healing stories for visibility purposes but also to share communal knowledge.
So, I guess with that, um, let's talk about your healing story. We know that healing can encompass so many aspects of life. Can you touch on some realms of healing that you've moved through in the past?
DANIEL: Well, let's see. Well, I've done a lot of... See, I gotta remember, because I know that you know a lot of this stuff, but they don't know a lot of this stuff. So, actually, I would think maybe healing is probably a little still kind of a newer concept to me. Because, I mean, I went through a lot of my own trauma kind of, and just kind of was just like, “Whatever,” and didn't really think about doing any healing up until a few years ago. And, really, for me, it kind of came down to, um, it's come down pretty much to therapy and getting on the right medication. Um, a lot of media intake. I'm a big media person. So, watching a lot of wrestling really helps me. A lot of professional wrestling. Art and really just, like, trying to strategize on how to just better myself. Trying to find ways that are going to make me less awful, which I think I've gotten less awful over time. And I'm still getting rid of some of that awfulness.
BREE: Do you mind sharing what it is you have worked on, whether it's your diagnoses or the types of trauma you went through. Like, those specifics.
DANIEL: Yeah, okay, so I think my first time going to therapy… Well, no, I guess... So, I was diagnosed when I was 10 years old, in about fourth grade, with ADHD. And at the time, I wasn't, like, nothing was really done about it. My parents were just like, “Oh, we're just gonna throw them in sports and just see,” and that's what the doctor told them. Just basically put him in sports, it'll be good for him. And I hated it. I hated it so much. I like hanging out with my friends, but I hated playing sports and I hated, uh, you know, because I wanted to just be at home drawing and stuff. And then in high school I kind of started my rebellious phase of just, like, “Fuck everything, fuck you, fuck the world,” and just kind of doing whatever. And I went to therapy a little bit during that time but I think I only went to one or two sessions, and it just didn't work out for me for whatever reason.
It wasn't until about 2010 when my… actually it may have been even later. Well, what really started it off was my uncle Victor dying. He was an artist, he was a queer artist from Silver Lake and, uh, when he died we were very close. And when he died it was a big shock to me. And then just a couple years later my uncle Ray died, and we weren't as close as my uncle Victor, but when my uncle Ray died, that's when I started [therapy]. And beyond that I was also unemployed, I wasn't working at the time. And when my uncle Ray died I just started noticing, like, just not feeling right. And I was listening to a podcast. I don't even remember what podcast it was at the time. And one of the hosts was talking about how they, um, about their depression and how they were, and just the kind of things that they had to deal with. And I started thinking, like, “Huh, this sounds like me.” And then I also found out that that host also did have ADHD too. So, that's when I first started going to therapy seriously. So, I went, I did that for about maybe a year, and then I started feeling better and so I just kind of put it on pause and was just, like, well I kind of reached my goal to get out of my depression, so I'll just take a break from it and I'll come back if I ever feel like I need it.
And then in 2015 my grandma died, [and in] the beginning of 2016 my grandpa died. And I had moved in with him to help with after, like, my grandma died. And so shortly after, he just started declining. And then also, I got cheated on by an ex and that whole thing kind of blew up and it was, like, they were kind of right after another. And then, yeah, I wanted to go back into therapy but I was just, like… It was just one of those things where I was like, “I got to do this” and it just never happened. And it wasn't really until I think we started talking and you were so much, um, you were a big mental health advocate, and really after I had went to therapy the first time, I had actually told a lot of people, like, “I think everybody should do this.” I had just been, like, everyone should do this, this works, but I wasn't in it. But I kept telling people, “Yeah, I think it would be good if you went into this,” but I wasn't doing it. And then when I met you, you were such a strong advocate for it, I was like, “You know what, I gotta. I gotta kind of get back into it.” And it still took me a while because, you know, with the ADHD, it kind of comes with a lot of procrastination and stuff like that. And, yeah, it was also becoming more of an issue because I started having probably more of, like, just depressive thoughts and just depressive little episodes, you know. And it was affecting my ADHD, specifically my impulse control, my mood swings, my emotional dysregulation, my rejection sensitivity. I was taking things way too personally from other people and it was really hindering the way I was working. And for the longest time I was against medication. I didn't want to be on medication. I had heard a lot of bad things about ADHD medication. I was afraid it was gonna take away my personality. Like, I wasn't gonna be the same person. So… but then I talked to you about it and you kind of set me straight about medication and just framed it differently than I had ever heard before. And it was more like... I think you were like, “It's not bad if it helps you.” And like, “And if it doesn't work then you, just stop and you're in the same place you've been for the past, you know, 30 years or whatever.” And I was, like, “You know what, that makes sense.” And you were the first person to ever really talk to me about it and really kind of put that into perspective for me. And it still took me a while to get on it. It still took me what, I think something like two years to get on it. But then when I finally did it was like a whole new world pretty much opened up where. I'm still kind of learning how to function properly, quote unquote properly, on medication. Because I realized just how much of the ADHD affected me. And not just me, but my personality and how I functioned overall, and getting on medication kind of just helped me start realizing who I am. I’m still not completely sure of exactly who I am, but I'm getting more of a better idea. Because I think before, I was just kind of, like... I felt like I was maybe just copying things that I've seen, things that I've encountered, and just kind of nitpicking little things. And I think we all do that to a certain extent, but I think it was just my personality and the impulsivity. Everything was kind of, like... I kind of got to the point where I was just like, “Well, this is just who I am and if you don't like it, well too bad.” But not realizing it was having negative effects on me and on the people that I interacted with, and I really just... I hated that. Once I realized that, I kind of just hated it and I hated myself for it. And yeah. And so now I'm still kind of learning to function on it and I'm learning how to kind of cope with it and just kind of not hate myself so much. I'm not hating myself at all. I would say at this point I don't hate myself at all. Like, I don't hate myself, but I did. But I also hated everything. At a certain point I fell into the whole nihilism thing where I was just, like, “Everything's stupid, everything's wrong, everything,” you know, and now I don't feel that way and it's even... in itself is kind of weird to be in a space where you're, like, “Oh, wait, I don't want to die all the time.” I don't want to, you know, I don't want to just see the world burn. I don't want to just, you know… I still deal with a lot of stuff around that, but it's not nearly as bad, you know. And I think my medications really kind of curve that. Obviously it's not a miracle cure, but it's very close to, like, softening the sharp edges that were my ADHD. The rest of it's all on me work on, and find different aspects, and dealing with the anxieties and the little depressive, like, soft depressive episodes that I get. Or just, like, you know, even the rejection stuff that I still deal with. But yeah. I don't know, did I answer your question?
BREE: Yeah, yeah.
DANIEL: Okay. I kind of got lost there.
BREE: There is honestly for, not even just you or me, but for everyone there's so many answers to the question. We were even talking about that last night. When it comes to what we need to heal and how we move through healing, there's so much. Like, we would spend the whole hour just trying to answer this question.
DANIEL: Yeah.
BREE: We tried to get to everything, but I want to… I think I want to go back to your experience with losing so many family members. I know for me, all my experiences with death have really shaped my relationship to death and dying and grief, and continues to as I continue to experience it. And I'm wondering for you, like… Especially because it was such a short amount of time, and you were so close with most of those people, what for you was the evolution of your relationship to death and grief before, during, and after those experiences?
DANIEL: So, I lost four family members in a span of about five years. And I had lost family members before. My maternal grandmother died when I was about eight or so. You know, I've had different people that I wasn't really close to. But I would say the first big one was my uncle Victor, and he was probably one of the people that I was closest with. That one I remember I took very, very hard. Because he died of cancer he was sick for a while in the years leading up to that. We had become even closer, where he was staying with my grandparents and, you know, I would come hang out with my grandparents and he would be here and he would have me shave his head when he was losing his hair from, you know, and just seeing him in that state and just seeing him kind of wither away and being upset about it, not wanting me to even really look at him take off his shirt while I was shaving his head. Him getting upset really shook me and that's something that'll stay with me forever. But I remember taking that one very, very hard and just being really sad about it. But because we had so much time with him as he was sick, the grieving was also partial relief. I think that happens a lot with people who lose family members to cancer. Yeah. And after that I remember being sad, but I don't remember particularly being really depressed or anything. It was really until my uncle Ray died. His was sudden and it was… I don't know if it was a stroke. The cause of death was officially acute intoxication of methadone, because he was a former drug addict, a heroin user, gang member. And one day I just got a call that, you know, he was in the hospital and then a few days later he was gone. And it was just kind of a shock because we knew his health wasn't great, but he was, from what we could tell, he was in pretty good shape and stuff. But yeah, so he passed. And because all of us were at, uh, like my whole family was at the hospital when he passed, we all got the stomach flu the day after he passed. So, it was almost like we didn't really even get a chance to really mourn because we were all super sick. And then we had his funeral and it was kind of, like, at the time it was kind of, like, “Okay, well we're doing this again.” So, you know, and it almost felt like it was just, like, I can't believe we're doing this again. It was almost annoying, but it was also, you know, it was sad. And then, months later I started feeling really awful. And I wasn't working so I was just at home kind of just on the computer all day. Didn't have motivation to do anything. And that's when I kind of realized, like, “Oh, I'm depressed.” You know, I'm super depressed and having a really hard time, you know. And then going to therapy helped that, and then getting to, uh… And then once my grandma died, that one was also kind of sudden, but we knew it was gonna be… We knew what it was that killed her because she had been diagnosed with an aneurysm in her heart years before. And she was the most anxious person I knew. So, you know, they were like, “You need to stay calm, you need to not be so anxious.” But, you know, and eventually that’s kind of what took her out. And I was... Literally, like, four in the morning I got a call. I was living just down the street and I got a call. It was like, “Go to your grandparents house right now.” And I got up and I ran and the paramedics were already here, my grandpa was here and I just remember that time, I was just numb. I remember being numb and sitting in a chair in the living room and just staring off into the distance, waiting for them to take her, basically. And that time... My grandma was one of my best friends. Her and I had a very good relationship and we would kind of just talk to each other like friends. We would not bullshit each other. And that one was difficult in that one of the last conversations we had, because we were so honest with each other, like, one of the last conversations was kind of an argument that we had with each other because she had said something mean to my sister that I didn't like, and I told her so. And it kind of turned into a big old thing. And not even a week later she died and I hadn't really even talked to her since then. And that was really hard for me, but, you know. And I talked to my mom about it. I told her about it and she had talked to my grandma about it and was like, my grandma had told her what had happened and she was okay with it, but she was always, like, you know, “This kid! I can't believe he talked to me like that.” But she also respected it, you know. So, that one was hard but then I kind of got into moving mode because I moved right in, into the house we're in now, to stay with my grandpa because they had said they were going to leave me the house. And so I was like, “Okay, let me go in there, let me help my grandpa with whatever he needs and then, you know, and I could also start kind of familiarizing myself with the house. My grandpa was still pretty old at the time. I was 27, he was 87. And I was even thinking, like, “Oh, I still have a while.” I was thinking I have maybe five years with him here, not knowing that he was gonna die, like, the next year. He ended up with cancer and we didn't know. We found out on November 1st that he had cancer. We thought he had broken his back from a fall he had taken, but it turned out to be, like, the X-rays showed a bunch of cracks and stuff in his back. And we thought, “Oh, he had broken his back,” but it turns out there were lesions from cancer that had spread. Basically, by New Year? Yeah, by New Year's the next year, 2016, he was gone. And during that time I was just here watching him get sicker. I felt like everyone expected me to do so much more, but I couldn't handle it. Because this was my grandpa, this is someone who took care of me, raised me, taught me so much of what I know and would do anything for me. And to have to have to watch him go through that and have to take care of him, I had such a hard time doing it, and I had to tell my family, “I can't do this on my own. I know it's hard for you guys, but I can't do this.” And I had gotten to the point where I just wanted to run away because I couldn't handle it. It was too much. And keep in mind also, I'm still, at this point, I'm unmedicated, I'm dealing with all these deep emotions. I'm watching my grandfather kind of waste away to nothing, get sicker and sicker and not be able to eat, you know. And I did my part. It's not like I didn't do anything. And then again, just when he finally went, it was more relieving than anything. And obviously I was sad, you know.
Now, dealing with death I think it just... It's still sad and it still hurts… I don't know, it's not as hard to deal with, I guess. Because I feel like I've been there so many times where I'm like, “Okay, I know the procedure now.” And not like that every death is going to be the same, because all of those were kind of pretty different. But now how I handle it is not nearly as hard as it was. I think also, that whole situation kind of fed into my whole nihilist thing for a while, where just, like, “Oh, nothing matters. We're all gonna die. We're all gonna end up like that so what difference does it make?” You know. And even since then I've lost a few family members. I've lost family members on my mom's side, I've lost family members on my dad's side. And all of them I cared for, but then it just becomes, like, “Okay, well it's another one,” and it's kind of weird because it almost feels like, not that I like it... It's almost numbing but it's not. Like, because I still feel emotions towards it, I guess it's more like I'm a little desensitized to it at this point, which I don't know if that's the healthiest thing, but you know. It's just, like, death. It's just part of life and it's part of, you know. They got their reward, they got their out, which I think is also good because being human is very painful. Getting out of it, not having to deal with human pain, the pain that comes with a physical body, I think is great. And so, part of me also just celebrates that because it's not necessarily a bad thing to be dead. It's really the people who are left that are hurt by it. The people that die, they don't care anymore. They’re dead and they're not really concerned about earthly things anymore, and I take solace in that. I just kind of almost look at it like it's someone who got out of prison. It's like, “Oh, you're out, they got out. Good for them,” you know. And I'm sorry and it sucks that they had to go through the pain that they had to go through in order to get to that point, but now that it's over it's kind of like… You know, it's like the end of Shawshank Redemption where he gets out of the prison, he's just standing in the rain washing all the shit off of him. Um, yeah. So, that's kind of where my relationship with death is now.
BREE: What about currently? Where is your focus these days in your personal healing?
DANIEL: Well, right now… I'm now back in therapy [working on] the more nuanced things. The anxieties, the little rejection stuff that I get, you know. And just kind of dealing a little bit deeper more with trauma that I've not explored thoroughly, that I actually wasn't even able to to grasp onto without my medication, that I just kind of pushed off to the side and, yeah. Just using my kind of coping skills, you know. Watching wrestling, making art, doing, you know… Just kind of trying to keep myself busy and, yeah. Even getting more spiritual has really been helping because, I mean, before a lot of this, I think up until maybe a few years ago, I was stone cold Atheist. I think that also was part of my nihilism and just growing up going to Catholic school, you know, that wore me out on religion specifically. But after that I was just, like, “Everything spiritual is stupid,” you know. And it wasn't until maybe a few years ago that I kind of got more into it and more into my spiritual side, and kind of recognizing that. And I think that was something that I felt like I was missing, but I had a hard time switching out of that Christianity. Not even so much Christianity, but Catholicism specifically. I think that really fucked me up. Like, Catholicism, a lot of it's based on guilt. Like, you're never going to be good enough and that's a lot of what I struggle with, is being good enough. And it deals with a lot of shame, so I have a lot of shame around certain things because, you know, Jesus told me it's fuckin’ shameful and you better not, you know. My teacher told me it was shameful, you better not, you know. And I think that was also why I went towards Atheism and nihilism, really, because I was, like, “You're not gonna tell me, I'm gonna tell you. And guess what—none of it matters,” you know. And that kind of led to, like, when nothing matters it kind of leads to self-destructive shit. I think now, finding a spiritual side that works for me that is kind of free-flowing and whatever you make it. It really just feels good. It feels like it was a missing piece of the puzzle. Even though I'm not a super strong practitioner or... I'm not in as deep as, like, say you are with the witchcraft or the tarot stuff. I do believe in it. I do get into it when I do get into it. But, yeah. That's kind of what I like about it though, too. Is that it's so kind of free-flowing and just kind of whatever you make it, and it's about your intentions. Yeah.
BREE: I was actually just gonna respond, like, there's no comparison to me or between anybody because it really is whatever you need, whenever you need it, you know? What you make of it. Yeah. Do you mind sharing, just because you mentioned a couple of my things, but can you share specifically what spirit spiritual practices or spirituality you are vibing with?
DANIEL: Yeah, so like... I've been digging the tarot stuff. I've been doing my meditations which also really help when I remember to do them. I pull a tarot card every so often, asking you for a tarot reading every so often. Spirit work, ancestor work I think really interests me. Astrology interests me. I've not done deep dives into them, but they are things that interest me that I get into. Herbalism is a thing that I'm into. And a lot of interdimensional kinds of theories around the nature of the universe really interests me, specifically ones that pertain to the relationship between spirits and aliens, cryptids and all that kind of stuff. That all really kind of interests me. I don't know exactly where I stand on a lot of it because there's a lot of different theories and different schools of thought on it. I know what I believe specifically and the kind of things that I believe specifically, even then I'm not super, like, 100% yes this is it. They're just theories, so I don't feel the need to be concrete yes, this is what I believe, this is how it is, and anything in between is wrong. Because I don't know. You know, I believe in bigfoot but I'm not clear on exactly what it is. It could be an extra dimensional being, it could be an alien, but the aliens could also be extra dimensional beings. It could be just an undiscovered species of wood ape. We don't know and I don't know if we're ever going to know. But I think that's part of the magic of the world, is that there's so much unknown and unexplored that we don't even realize exists in our plane of existence, and i think that just having that kind of wonder, that almost childlike wonder of it, I think that makes it special and that makes it worth having it as an option. This kind of childlike wonder, that kind of thing was not there for me. When I was in Catholic school, I didn't like the stories about Jonah and the whale. For me, that never resonated. The Jesus stories never really resonated. They were just things, they were just stories. And in Catholic school, I had a lot of questions, because we'd have religion class right next to the science class and things wouldn't add up for me. So, I had a lot of questions and in Catholic school they don't like you asking questions, whereas I feel like things like witchcraft and ufology and cryptozoology and all this other spirituality stuff that I'm into, it's all questions. It's constantly asking questions and there's no answers. There's not really a clear concrete answer. Some people think they have the answers, but they don't. And if anyone ever tells you that they have the fucking answers, they're a fucking liar. They're trying to sell you something.
BREE: Yeah, I think you actually took the words kinda out of my mouth. I was gonna respond with, like, I agree that it is the wonder in it that takes it from just an interest in the paranormal to kind of the spiritual experience or ideology. I, too, cherish the wonder in it and, yeah, I would like to live in a world with aliens and bigfoot. So, I will continue to incorporate that thought into my spiritual self. I know you kind of threw out some of the things that have helped you, they’ve been trickled throughout the conversation. Whether you want to expand on anything you already brought up and why it's so important to you, or if there's anything new you would like to bring up, I'm going to ask you about specific strategies and resources that have helped you. And it could be current stuff, it could be past stuff, but, like, specific.
DANIEL: Well, definitely therapy. I’m like, “I don't care if you don't feel like you need it, you should go to therapy.” I think everyone-- and you know what, little plug for you. Healed as Fuck offers an awesome therapy alternative in the Empower Hour. I think that's really fucking cool because, like, therapy, it's hard for people, because I think there's still a stigma. We're getting better about it, but I think there's still a weird stigma around it, around mental health in general. And I think the service you offer is super cool in the Empower Hour because it's really just a conversation, from what I know of it. It's just a conversation and, really, it leads you to figuring stuff out kind of for yourself, but also just having a person there to talk to about it and just, you know, talk, I think that helps. If you have somebody who's just like a person with no bias, to listen to you and just hear you out, I think that's important. And I think that even if you feel like you have people that you trust and you talk to, like, that's cool, but there are still things I know that you don't talk to that person about, that bother you. So, I think everyone should get into therapy or even if it's group work, group therapy, whatever it may be. Whatever works for you. Honestly. Because I know that there's different types of stuff, different types of therapy that do help people a lot. Hell, even if it's something like religion. Like, you want to go make confession at mass or something, if that helps you, that helps you. For me, it was always kind of, like... Pro-wrestling's always been there for me. That's something that I’ve kind of stuck to. And I know a lot of people... I can, like... This isn't even out yet and I can hear people rolling their eyes at that. But it's true and it's just something that makes me happy. I think you remember this. I want to tell the story of when I almost had a panic attack, or I had an anxiety attack because I was thinking too much about bears. (laughter) So, we were watching Drunk History and there were these bears on the screen, and Bree was like, “Oh my god, they're so cute!” And I got really upset because bears scare the shit out of me. They are very cute, but they're also gigantic killing machines. They have giant claws and they have giant powerful jaws that can crush your face. And I started thinking about it too much and I gave myself an anxiety attack. We had to turn it off and I just put on a little wrestling thing, like maybe half an hour, and it pulled me right out of it. And it's done that for me several times where I'm just like, “I just need to watch wrestling,” and it just kind of gets my mind off of it. If you have something like that, I say use it. use it as much as you can. That's the power of pro wrestling for me, it just makes me happy. Even if it's just complaining about wrestling makes me happy. Because there's no shortage of, like, “Oh, I can't believe they're doing this in the storyline or whatever. It's like your favorite show, you're going to have times when you’re like, “Oh, I don't like where the storyline is going,” you know, but you still have your favorite characters and you're like, “I can't believe they're doing this to my favorite character, but I still love them.” Yeah, so if you have something that you really enjoy and love and are passionate about… Like, now fandom rules fucking everything. So, it's like, if you have something like that and it makes you feel good, stick with it. Don't let anyone tell you that your shit is dumb or your shit is lame, because if you like it, you like it, and that's for you and that's not for anyone else. I'm sure there's a number of people that are like, “Oh, fucking wrestling's dumb,” or, “It's fake,” or whatever. And I don't care! Because it makes me feel fucking great just watching it. Seeing this athletic show that's really for fucking everybody. There's something for everyone in pro-wrestling, and I'm not just talking about WWE, I'm talking about all pro-wrestling. I'm talking about New Japan indie wrestling, Mexican wrestling, all of it. They're all fucking great and there's something out there for everybody. I think that's important. If you're into something, if you're super into baking shows and they make you feel good, stick with it. Stick with it, get deeper into it, start your own podcast about it, whatever. That always helps. Talking about movies and pop culture has always helped me because it's just an escape from life. It's also just fun. It's a lot it's fun and it's like, we need fun in our life. Honestly, if I didn't have pro-wrestling, I probably would have been a lot worse off than I was if I didn't have something I passionately love the way I do wrestling. I don't know, like, I really don't know where I would be.
BREE: I'm so glad you expanded on wrestling because I was gonna ask that anyway. Especially because we sort of share that in terms of the functioning of the things that bring us joy. For you, it's for wrestling. For me, it's drag, and I can do the same thing with drag content when I'm upset, stressed out. whatever. It totally brings me out and I think it's just like you said. The things that bring us joy should be prioritized just as much as everything else. Also I'm totally seeing more and more, how there's evidence for watching the same things over and over again and that being a coping mechanism for anxiety and stress and stuff. That there's a reason why we like the things we like, because in one way or another it's comforting. For me, I can absolutely re-watch the same drag things over and over again and still enjoy it, but there's also this component of, like, it very literally can relieve stress and anxiety because it's something that you're familiar with. So not only is there familiarity but there's that joy and passion too that I think probably boosts other things in the brain that help us feel better.
DANIEL: And as someone with ADHD, my brain is constantly on the search for serotonin because my brain does not produce as much serotonin as a neurotypical brain does. So, a lot of times that will give me a big release of serotonin and make me fucking feel great. Find what you love and just stick with it, even if you leave it for a little bit and you end up coming back to it eventually. Because if you love it, you love it, and you're gonna keep loving it or you'll find an alternative version. Like, for me, if I didn't like WWE anymore, I used to have a lot of other things to fall back on. There's so much other wrestling content out there.
BREE: I'm feeling compelled to share this real quick. I've realized recently how important it is to make sure that I keep some things, especially things that soothe me and bring me that kind of joy, to kind of keep those things as that. Like, I very much have thought about doing drag myself, and then I think about how I'm a writer and how the way writing works for me these days feels a lot more like work. I'm realizing how important it is to have the things that I care about or at least some things, at least a couple of things, to not feel obligated to monetize it. Because of course we want to love the work we do, and many of us want to be paid for things we give a shit about, but it's just as important to have some things that don't have to be monetized and that can just be something you get to enjoy and cherish. I've realized in the last, maybe even just six months to a year, that I would feel bad, like, “Why don't I try to do that?” And it's like, no, I'm not going to try to do that because I want to keep it in the special place for myself.
All right, we're nearing the end. Next, we've got the fun question. So, if you're joining us for the first time, every interview includes a question that the previous guest asks for the next person. Last episode we had my friend Doogie, and Doogie's question is: Money is no object, you can do absolutely anything you want. What does your perfect day look like?
DANIEL: Okay. I listened to the episode, so I've been thinking about this. I was like, “Oh man, there's so many options.” So, I'm gonna assume since money's no object, this is some sort of magical universe that we live in. I'm gonna assume that I'm gonna have endless energy for this. So, I would think... Wake up, have a fucking bomb breakfast at a diner. I was thinking either Nat’s in Van Nuys or Hungry Fox in, uh, where is it?
BREE: North Hollywood. Yeah, two of our favorites. And I will say, part of my answer was a diner breakfast. There's a reason we like each other.
DANIEL: Well yeah, we went to a diner on our first date. But yeah, so one of those places, have a bomb breakfast, and then the rest of the day I would wanna have… I would wanna have it myself, but I don't wanna do any of the work because I want to watch and be entertained. But I want to have, like, a punk rock wrestling kind of show. Almost like a festival where it's, like, there's wrestling matches and in between there's bands playing. I don't know what bands would play. I didn't think about that. But I just would want bands that I fucking like to play and indie wrestlers. And then also have it kind of be a barbecue. Like, barbecue shit’s set up like a taco man. We got ribs, we got all kinds of shit. And then come midnight, do a Rocky Horror midnight showing, a shadow cast.
BREE: Where is this all happening?
DANIEL: In the backyard.
BREE: Okay.
DANIEL: Here in the backyard.
BREE: I was envisioning that and it makes me laugh because I can already see if we had set up a wrestling ring, that it would almost go to the top of the fence, (laughs) and I'm just imagining people being thrown over to the neighbors yards and shit, or the little kids next door peering over and getting caught up. (laughing)
DANIEL: Yeah! I would love that.
BREE: That's so cute because I, too, in my answer, said something about having a show/bonfire thing in the backyard. We got some work to do in that yard to make things happen. (laughs)
DANIEL: Yeah.
BREE: That's so cute. Um, yeah, unending energy would be necessary for all that. (laughs)
DANIEL: Yeah, because I'm like, I might be like done after breakfast.
BREE: (laughs) No, for real, even in my answer I was like, “Fuck, I need a nap after that.” Like, I don’t know.
DANIEL: No, since it's a fantasy question, like, no, I have time. Like, if money is no issue…
BREE: Then nothing is an issue. Yeah, you answered it the right way. Whatever, there's no right way. All right, last question. What would you like to ask the next guest?
DANIEL: Oh shit, I forgot to think about that one. (both laugh)
BREE: I will have you all know, the only question that Daniel prepared for was that question. (laughs) He did not give a fuck about knowing about any of the other questions.
DANIEL: No, because I just thought the other one was, like... That one's so in-depth, but I guess all of them are pretty in-depth. But it's, like… I don't know, just that one was…
BREE: You're fine.
DANIEL: Okay. If you could travel anywhere in the world, again money is no issue, you could travel any place, even if you want to make it several stops, but you're traveling, there's no pandemic or anything. If you're traveling, where would you go if you're going on a world tour? What are the places you would stop and go?
I think for me, it'd be England, Ireland, Scotland, the places that speak English, that'd be easier for me, probably. I'd want to see Norway. Maybe even Italy ‘cause food. I feel like I would want to go to Africa, but I'm also afraid to go to Africa.
BREE: Why? Because of the nature?
DANIEL: Because of nature and just, like, I know that there's a lot of war and stuff there. But fantasy booking, let's say everything's peaceful in Africa, I’d wanna go someplace in Africa. Somewhere in the whole continent, I don't know exactly where because I don't know Africa too much. Maybe just South Africa, I don't know. Japan. Australia. New Zealand. I'll probably like Brazil. Argentina and then finally Mexico. But again, in fantasy world everything is cool there. Like, there's not cartels beheading people in the street or taking Americans hostage or anything like that. And then ideally also just everywhere I go, people spoke English well enough so that I can understand and they could understand me, because I have a very hard time learning new languages.
BREE: What an American thing. Make everybody speak English. (laughs)
DANIEL: I mean, just for me. They could speak all the languages they want, but I just need it.
BREE: My answer is really similar in that I don't know that I could choose one place because I would just want to go everywhere. But if I have to pick one place, it's probably Japan, only because I want to eat all the sushi and learn the right way to do it. I know we fuck it up over here. ButIi also want to go to Korea because I want to meet some internet cats. I mean, I'm sure the food's bomb there too, but I'm obsessed with these internet cats, their original YouTube name was Cream Heroes, but there's three different channels now with them. And there's 10 of these cats that literally bring me joy on a daily basis and I want to meet them. Go all the way to Korea to meet 10 cats.
DANIEL: I think definitely Japan would be one of my favorites because they have the kawaii culture, they have great street fashion, they love pro-wrestling. Like, pro-wrestling in Japan is huge. Anime, I also love the shit out of some anime. They're known for their toys. Godzilla is one of my favorite fucking things in the world, so there’s that. And I love Japanese food. Even sumo wrestling, I love fucking sumo wrestling and I think all of that, that's all in Japan. I think that's one of my ideal places. The only thing I’m not crazy about is, I just know how small it is and, you know, being a bigger person, I can't imagine squeezing into one of these little coffin hotel kind of deals. But I'm sure we can find places that are made for fat folx that are not, like, we’re not gonna be crushed.
BREE: Okay, so it's the end now. Where would you like people to find you? Is there anything you wanna tell people about?
DANIEL: Well, if you wanna follow me on Instagram, I am @dd_zer0. It's the letter D, the letter D, underscore, the word zero, but the O is the number zero. If you want to follow me there, I post a bunch of cartoons and stuff that I like. Wrestling and anime and cute things and spooky things and all that. So, if you want to check those out, you can follow me there. And, yeah, just take advantage of the Healed as Fuck services because they're really cool. Like, I'm not just saying this because you're my partner. I legit think all this shit is so fucking cool, and everything that you're doing is really dope, and I think more people need to know about it, and more people need to take advantage of these services that you're offering, because they're crazy affordable and they're super duper helpful. Just check out the website even. I'm sure if you're listening to this you probably have seen the website, but just check out more of the services and fucking get into them.
BREE: Yay! So, that might have been my first testimonial. Thank you for that. Yeah, anybody, like Daniel just said, Healed as Fuck is much more than a podcast. I offer sliding scale services for emotional support and spiritual support. A lot of people seem very excited by my Uno tarot readings, but there's much, much more. You could find out more about what I do at healedaf.org. Follow on the internet @healedaf. And now we say bye.
DANIEL: Bye!
BREE: Bye!
HAF Pod Grab Bag of Tools
Listed in order of appearance in episode.
Therapy’s great. Daniel says even if you don’t think you need therapy, you should still go to therapy.
Finding the right medication was monumental in helping Daniel manage his ADHD and depression. He explains, “Obviously it's not a miracle cure, but it's very close to, like, softening the sharp edges that were my ADHD. The rest of it's all on me work on.”
Finding spirituality is nourishing. If you don’t know where to start, try a deep dive into things that seem interesting to you or things that bring you a childlike wonder. For Daniel, it’s spirit work, ancestor work, cryptids, aliens, interdemsional theory, astrology, tarot, and herbalism. He explains, “I think that's part of the magic of the world, is that there's so much unknown and unexplored that we don't even realize exists in our plane of existence, and i think that just having that kind of wonder, that almost childlike wonder of it, I think that makes it special and that makes it worth having it as an option.”
Empower Hour. Daniel says, “I think the service you offer is super cool in the Empower Hour because it's really just a conversation, from what I know of it. It's just a conversation and, really, it leads you to figuring stuff out kind of for yourself. But also just having a person there to talk to about it and just, you know, talk, I think that helps. If you have somebody who's just like a person with no bias, to listen to you and just hear you out, I think that's important.“
Utilize what brings you joy as a coping mechanism, especially during difficult emotional states. Daniel explains his love of pro-wrestling and how watching a bit of it during a panic attack helped bring him out of it.
Utilizing media for a serotonin boost. Daniel explains, “As someone with ADHD, my brain is constantly on the search for serotonin because my brain does not produce as much serotonin as a neurotypical brain does. So, a lot of times that will give me a big release of serotonin and make me fucking feel great. Find what you love and just stick with it.”
Don’t let anyone talk you out of the things that bring you joy. “If you have something that you really enjoy and love and are passionate about… Don't let anyone tell you that your shit is dumb or your shit is lame, because if you like it, you like it, and that's for you and that's not for anyone else. I'm sure there's a number of people that are like, ‘Oh, fucking wrestling's dumb,’ or, ‘It's fake,’ or whatever. And I don't care! Because it makes me feel fucking great.”