4 Questions to Ask Your New Therapist
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Today I'm here to help by sharing a few questions that I like to ask when starting with a new therapist. I'm sharing these suggestions based on my own experience—I've been in and out of therapy practically my whole life—as well as from my academic experience. I have a master's degree in psychology where I spent about half my time in the clinical psychology program, which is the track for people who want to be therapists. There's a lot of reasons why I chose not to become a therapist, but I still find value in therapy. One of the best ways to set ourselves up for success in therapy is by starting the therapeutic relationship from an informed position.
TAKING COMMAND OF OUR THERAPY
A lot of people think it's up to the therapist to guide the way, but most therapists actually—without saying anything—expect the client to guide sessions. So, we have a lot more freedom in our therapy rooms than many of us realize. We have a lot of space to guide how we want our therapy to go, and we definitely have a ton of space to ask questions.
THE FIRST SESSION
While the first session is the perfect opportunity to ask questions, you're never limited to only asking questions in the first session. In fact, I think it's a great symptom of your therapeutic relationship if you feel comfortable asking any kind of question at any time throughout the duration of your work together. But the reason why I think these are good questions for a first session is to help you decide whether this therapist is a good fit for you. Again, it's not up to the therapist to decide whether you're a good fit for them. They're helping you. They're there to be part of your healing team. It's up to *you* whether or not you want to work with them.
QUESTION #1: DO YOU WORK WITH THE POLICE?
The first question I ask is whether or not a therapist calls the police, and if so, under what circumstances do they call the police? All licensed therapists are mandated reporters. That means that if they find out about child abuse, child neglect, elder abuse, dependent adult
abuse, and domestic violence, they are mandated to report that to either law enforcement or a social service agency. Some of these laws are federal and some of them are at the state level, so you definitely want to look into this based on where you live.
There are some other circumstances where a therapist might call the police. One experience I can share is that I was in a severe depression and experiencing SI. I wanted to be hospitalized and my therapist—instead of just encouraging me to go to the hospital myself—was like, “Oh, well then I need to submit a 5150,” which is a law code for placing folx who present a danger to themselves or others in a 72-hour involuntary detainment in a psychiatric facility. This code is used with the police. What that means is the police would be called and they would possibly handcuff me, put me in the back of their car, and take me to the hospital of their choice.
I don’t believe this is the best way to go about helping somebody seek hospitalization. I did not end up experiencing this because I left before my therapist could call the police, but later on I took myself to the hospital, a friend came with me to support me, and I was able to be admitted to the hospital without dealing with the police whatsoever. Calling the police definitely runs the risk of making a situation worse and I do not recommend calling the police when somebody’s having a mental health crisis. Check out dontcallthepolice.com for community-based alternatives to calling the police in U.S. cities.
So, that experience is why I suggest asking a therapist about the circumstances in which they might call the police. There's no way around them having to be a mandated reporter. If they’re a licensed therapist, then they’re a mandated reporter, and it just is what it is.
QUESTION #2: WHAT SCHOOLS OF PSYCHOLOGY DO YOU WORK FROM?
There are countless schools of thought in the world of psychology, and therapists can work from any of them. There's no one way that a therapist works. There's no one school of thought that a therapist works from, and many therapists work from multiple schools of thought.
Even if I don't understand what all these schools of psychology mean, I still want to know about them. I also want to know what they look like in their practice. I usually ask them to describe these schools of psychology in their own words, and after the session, I do my own research too. I do this to make sure that I understand what they’ve explained, and also to get more information to inform my choice about whether or not I want to work with a therapist who works from this framework.
There really are so many examples of psychological schools of thought. I think a very common one that many people know of is psychodynamic. This is the one associated with Freud (which, like, don't get me started on fuckin’ Freud 🙄 ). Cognitive behavioral therapy is also pretty common. There's feminist therapy, community psychology, existential therapy… I could go on. It’s helpful to know this information because you want to ensure that the type of thinking that is being applied to your reason for therapy aligns with your values. You also want to make sure that the treatments recommended from the school(s) of thought align with what you want to experience in your therapy.
QUESTION #3: WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH MY REASON FOR SEEKING THERAPY?
I like to ask questions that are specific to my personal experience, so I’ll ask about the therapist's experience with my particular symptoms, or diagnoses, or the reason that I'm in therapy. I also ask what they usually do to treat these different things. For example, I have bipolar I and anxiety. I want to make sure that this therapist has experience working with people who have bipolar I and people who have anxiety, and I would like to know what they usually do when treating clients with bipolar I and anxiety.
Sometimes we seek therapy for reasons that are not necessarily rooted in a diagnosis. I recently went to therapy with the goal of working on my confidence. Confidence is not something that you're gonna find in the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual that’s used to give people a diagnosis). You're not gonna find “confidence” in the DSM, but it was something that I wanted to actively work on. So, I presented it to my new therapist, like, “Hey, this is a goal of mine. What are some things that you think we would talk about? What are some recommendations you might make for me to work on outside of our sessions?”
QUESTION #4: WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH MY VARIOUS IDENTITIES?
Another question that’s important to me is asking about a therapist’s experience working with people who hold the particular identities that I hold. Whether it’s professional or personal, I look for therapists with experience in the realm of queerness. I also want to know that they have experience working with non-binary or gender non-conforming people. I like to know their understanding of these identities and what their experience is working with these demographics. If they have personal experience—even better.
I also inquire about their thoughts on fatness and experience working with fat folx. I’m unapologetically fat and I live in a world of fat liberation. It’s important to me that my therapist is aligned with this and isn't going to recommend diets, weight loss, or any other kind of fat phobic bullshit.
I can tell you from my own experience that if somebody has no experience and no knowledge about identities that are important to me, it gets really frustrating really quickly. I got super sick of having to teach my old therapist about my identities and my lifestyle. It just wasn't what I was there for. At first it was kind of entertaining, but then it just got old.
Another identity I talk about with a new therapist is my spiritual identity. I'm a witch, so I need to make sure that if I talk about my spiritual practice, my therapist isn’t gonna look at me sideways and think that I'm delusional because of my particular spiritual beliefs. I also know that therapists can have their own spiritual or religious beliefs. It’s important to be upfront about whether these differences will cause a block in your working relationship.
Anything that's important to you, how you identify, and how you live your life—bring it up. We want to make sure that our therapist has experience with these things, or is at least open to it, so that major differences don’t create a hurdle between you, them, and your therapeutic relationship. It also mitigates wasting our own time and serenity.
MY THERAPIST DOESN’T CHECK ANY OF MY BOXES—NOW WHAT?
Let’s say you have your first session, you ask these questions, and you don't like some of the answers, even just one of those answers. I would recommend that you continue looking for a therapist who aligns with your values and what it is that you're looking for. I know that this is sometimes easier said than done. There are so many variables when it comes to the accessibility of therapy, especially when we're dealing with health insurance (what's available within the insurance, who's accepting new clients, etc.) If you're in a situation where you're not in a crisis situation, it might be safe to just say, “No thank you. It was nice to meet you, but I'm gonna move on and keep looking.”
If you're in a space where you really really need help, your therapist doesn’t align with everything you’re seeking, but you think they could at least help you through until you find someone else—stick with them while you get the urgent care you need, but I would also continue looking for someone else and interviewing new therapists until you find the one that really suits you.
Finding a new therapist is a lot like dating. It can be kind of frustrating. It can take a while to find somebody who you actually like. But just like dating, you don't want to settle. When you settle in a dating situation, the long-term result is pretty gnarly—and I would say that the same thing goes for therapy. If you settle on a therapist that just doesn't work for you, the long-term results are not gonna be what they could be if you were able to find a therapist that does work for you. Again, I know it's easier said than done, but I often hear about people settling on the first therapist they find and it quickly becomes complaints all the way. You do not have to settle and you do not have to give up. It might take a long time, but when we’re equipped with the information we need, we will find the perfect therapist that works for us.
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